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Here it is, the technique Mrs. Feathers picked out for me to reinforce my sea of consciousness! It’s called the Secret Phoenix Rebirth Technique, and other than reinforcing my sea of consciousness, it can even bring me back to life if I die! It doesn’t actually bring me back to life. It’s more like it prevents my soul from leaving my body once I die, and if my body is pieced back together, my soul revives my body. I’m not sure how useful it’ll be since I’ve never died before. And I have no intentions of dying in the future; at least, not until I have lots and lots of children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. The technique has the word secret in its name, and I’m definitely not a phoenix, but Mrs. Feathers gave it to me anyway saying her sect has no future, so she might as well pass on some techniques before they’re lost forever. Besides, it’s not like Mrs. Feathers is betraying her race, giving a secret phoenix technique to a cute squirrelkin like me. Mhm. I’m sure someone once told me squirrels and phoenixes got along all buddy-buddy. Just look at me and Mrs. Feathers: we get along great!
You absolute nitwit, it’s the other way around. Phoenixes and squirrels are sworn enemies! How can you forget the memories inside of your own head? No, perhaps you’re recalling them but interpreting them incorrectly?
The new voice isn’t very nice. That’s why I’m learning this technique to bully it. It also wants to takeover my body, but that isn’t as important. After all, I can’t takeover someone’s body, and if I can’t do it, then no one else can. Mm, maybe Ilya could do it…. But she’s not here, and her fake isn’t as good as her. Alright! It’s time to learn this technique! But first, I’ll take out a hundred bottles of painkillers. Mm, something this useful will definitely be painful to learn. Only unamazing techniques like that Despair Conversion are painless.
Despair Conversion isn’t unamazing! It’s the greatest technique I ever invented, the foundation to my strength!
So? You died before becoming an immortal, didn’t you? Doesn’t that mean you and your technique failed? If a failure’s technique can be called amazing, then you can call me a chipmunk! And I won’t allow anyone to call me a chipmunk, so your technique can’t be called amazing. Hmph.
She has a point.
Fuck! If my techniques are useless, doesn’t that mean yours are as well? You didn’t become an immortal either, Slaughter God!
Yup, you’re both failures. Now stop trying to distract me! Mm? I planted a heart devil somewhere? …Do voices even have hearts? Wait, they said they’re wisps of will…. But do those have hearts? I’m pretty sure they don’t; otherwise, I’d have two extra hearts inside of me and that’d be creepy. Wait, is the heart of slaughter an extra heart too?
No. I’m your one and only heart. Now, learn the technique and slaughter the two fools intruding on my domain!
…I wonder if the Secret Phoenix Rebirth Technique can torture this voice too. It’s the one that’s been bothering me the longest. Mm, I’m starting now. With these painkillers, I no longer fear jade slips! Like all the other times I entered jade slips, this time isn’t any different. There’s a green ball of light floating in the center of nowhere. Okay, take in a deep breath and … touch! Mm? This pain isn’t as bad as usual. It’s not making me fall down and roll around while grabbing my head, but it’s still stinging, so I’m going to eat these pills I prepared—all one hundred bottles of them.
Great! There’s no pain! Now, how do I use this technique…? “Uh, Mrs. Feathers?”
“Yes, Boss?”
“The first part of the technique says I have to set myself on fire.”
Mrs. Feathers nodded. “Yep, that sounds about right. Need help with that, Boss?” She’s staring at me with shining eyes. Is she really looking forward to setting me on fire that much!? Wait, no! In the first place, why do I have to be set on fire!? “Boss? I’ll start breathing fire now, okay?”
“No! Not okay!”
Mrs. Feathers tilted her head. “But why not?”
“Because it’ll be painful!” Even though I’m sure I’ll heal after being burned, that doesn’t mean I want to be burned.
“But you ate quite a lot of painkillers,” Mrs. Feathers said. “It’d be a waste to not use them fully, right?”
Mm…, that sounds right…. “I guess….” But I don’t—ah! It’s hot! “Wait! I didn’t check the rest of the technique yet!” At least I confirmed there wasn’t any pain. It just felt a little hot. And Mrs. Feathers burned off my clothes! “Those robes were expensive! I’m deducting the cost from your pay.”
“I don’t get paid, Boss.”
Oh, that’s right. Anyways, I’ll put on these new robes…, wait a minute. Didn’t I have clothes that were fireproof and able to disguise me as I wished? Right, I did! But I put them away because I sat in them for ten years and they smelled funky. And after I washed them, I didn’t bother putting them back on because I forgot what they could do. Ta-da! They’re as good as new. Now, let’s check the next steps for the Secret Phoenix Rebirth Technique. First, I bathe in flames. Next, I absorb the flames into my body the same way I would absorb qi. After that, I circulate the flames around my body through my meridians and … hope I don’t permanently injure myself!? What kind of self-destructive technique did Mrs. Feathers have me learn!? There’s only a small chance of injury, but a chance is still a chance!
That’s right! You absolutely shouldn’t learn this technique! It’ll kill you, and if it does, I won’t have a body to takeover.
Hmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmmm. If this voice doesn’t want me to learn this technique, then that means … I definitely have to learn it! “Alright, Mrs. Feathers! I’m ready!”
Despair God, you moron. Look at what you’ve done.