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Mr. Feathers ran away. He smacked Ilya over the head and teleported somewhere before I could catch him. I thought the egg was enough to keep him hostage! Err, I mean, compliant! Right. Mr. Feathers and I have a great relationship! I hold onto his egg as a set of emergency rations, and he stays as my stuffed animal that I hug to sleep sometimes. Mhm. But it was all ruined because Ilya fed him bits of me. Me! She turned my blood, bones, and beautiful skin into jelly! Not just one serving of jelly, two servings! Can you believe that? I’m so disappointed I didn’t even get a taste. Humph. If I’m going to be eaten, it might as well be by myself, right? Well, actually, Ilya’s cooking tends to suck a lot. Maybe it’s better that I didn’t get a taste. Hmm. Ah, whatever. If I ever need a soft and fluffy pet to cuddle with, I’ll just force Softie to stop cultivating and have her sleep with me instead. She’s softer than Mr. Feathers even though she doesn’t have any downy fluff. I still haven’t figured out why, but one day, I will.
But today’s going to be an exciting day! We’re finally approaching the real battlefield! I can’t wait to see it. I bet there’s going to be so much chaos that no one will even notice if I rob our allies. What happens if I bring back the heads of our allies…? Mm, the crown prince doesn’t look that stupid, so he’ll probably notice. It seems like I’ll have to stick with only harvesting the heads of my enemies. But this is what I trained for for the majority of my life! I was in the Ravenwood army for so long, being beaten up and forced to do all the menial chores while lugging around the equipment for the actual soldiers to use. With this experience, I know everything there is to know about wars! I might not have been in one before, but I’m smart enough to not need experience. A smart person will learn from their experiences. A wise person will learn from others’ experiences! That’s me!
Let’s see. The soldiers always boasted about what they’d do to the enemy while they were eating: They’d cut off the elves’ ears and make a necklace out of them. They’d make stew out of beastkins’ tails and force their prisoners to eat it. They’d string demons up naked, brand them, and parade them around the capital before ransoming them back. …But what would they do to humans? I’ve only met human cultivators. Human ears aren’t as long as elves, but I guess I can still make a necklace out of them. Mn. And humans don’t have tails…, but they have penises…? I mean, if you squint really hard at the right angle, you can pretend that it’s a type of tail. And I can always parade them around naked, but ransoming them back wouldn’t really work since their heads will be gone. Ah, maybe the other side would want their corpses to make jellies out of? I’ll try to ransom them back anyway.
“I’m sensing a lot of killing intent coming from that direction!”
“We must be approaching the battlefield. With this earth-realm-ranked sword that Chosen Lucia has bestowed upon me, I swear I’ll bring back the heads of a thousand enemies!”
“But don’t you think that killing intent is really dense? Will we be alright? Look, my knees won’t stop trembling.”
“You’re an idiot! That killing intent is oozing out of Chosen Lucia! She’ll lead us to victory at the cost of our opponents’ gruesome deaths! We’ll rip their hearts of their chests and tear apart their stomachs as they beg us for mercy! We’ll gouge out their eyes and drink bloody wine using their skulls as our goblets! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Glory to the Shadow Devil Sect! Glory to Chosen Lucia!”
“…Has anyone else noticed that Brother Claw is a bit psychopathic? Or is it just me? It can’t just be me, right? Someone else has to have noticed too. I’m a bit uncomfortable following his lead. Why did Sister Moonlight make him fourth-in-command?”
“Fourth-in-command? I thought Brother Claw was third.”
“No, that’s Sister Ilya. She’s the one who gave us the revised and improved battle formations.”
“Wait. Why are all of you speaking as if me being the fourth-in-command is a terrible thing?”
“It’s not a terrible thing. It’s just not … pleasant, Brother Claw.”
“But Chosen Lucia is even more sadistic, psychopathic, and bloodthirsty than me, and she’s the one in charge, but none of you feel uncomfortable following her.”
“Chosen Lucia gave us earth-realm-ranked swords. Besides, I don’t think Chosen Lucia will have us do something as gruesome as ripping their hearts out or tearing apart their stomachs. At most, she’ll make us take underwear and interspacial rings off of corpses.”
These minions of mine sure love gossiping. Usually, they’re cooped up in their rooms cultivating in isolation. They probably see another person once a week or less. It makes sense for them to gossip when everyone’s outside and readying themselves for battle. But what kind of person did Softie place in charge? He sounds like a total psycho! And he’s a liar. I’m not sadistic, psychopathic, or bloodthirsty! It’s not like I beat people up and chop off their limbs because it’s fun. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. It’s a harsh world out there, and the only one watching my back is myself! Durandal watches my back too, but that’s only because he wants to stab it when he sees me slacking off. …Why am I trying to find him a body again? Oh, right. Because I want children. Hah…, I wonder if my children will ever appreciate what I had to go through to give birth to them.
“We’re entering a clearing!”
Oh? Are we here? There’s a huge commotion beyond these trees! Faster, boat-carriage, faster! The sooner I get that sky-realm-ranked sword, the sooner I’ll have kids! I’m on a timer, you know? I only have a decade or two before I become old and wrinkly—I have to have as many children as possible before that happens!