In an underground cavern, a river of mercury flowed, its silver color illuminated by glowing spirit stones. Some parts of the river flowed quickly while other parts of it barely seemed to move at all. Mirages flickered in and out of existence deep within the silver water: they consisted of buildings, people, animals, stars, all kinds of various sceneries; however, they only lasted for an instant before fading away, never to be seen again.
Without warning, the river disappeared, and standing in the canyon that had been gouged out by the water, a naked human was left behind. His skin was wrinkly, and all of the hair on his body was white. There were no pupils or irises within his eyes; they were completely silver, their surfaces glossy but unreflective. The old man took in a deep breath and arched his back, stretching his arms towards the ceiling of the cavern. A series of cracking sounds rang out, and the old man exhaled while lowering his arms. He looked up and narrowed his eyes at the rocks above. With a snort, he stomped his right foot against the ground, and a fissure appeared in the ceiling. The rocks split open, revealing a sky with three moons overhead, and the old man’s body surged upwards, passing through the crevice into the open air.
The old man, Vremya, stood in the air and spread his arms wide like he was hugging the sky. A howl escaped from his mouth, and all the dust and grime from the underground cavern seemed to have been shaken off of him. The howl lasted for over a minute, and when it ended, Vremya lowered his arms and took in a deep breath. How long had—
“E-excuse me.”
Vremya blinked and lowered his head, gazing at the ground. Underneath him, there was a black dog. It was sitting on its haunches, and its front paws were covering its eyes but doing a poor job at it. It was clear to Vremya that the dog was staring at his crotch. The dog coughed, breaking the silence. “If you’re here to trade with me, can you at least not be naked?”
Vremya frowned. What nonsense was this creature going on about? “You’re not wearing clothes either.”
“This is my home!” the dog said. “Am I not allowed to be naked in my own home? Besides, I’m a dog! Have you ever seen a dog wear clothes?”
“Your home?” Vremya’s frown deepened. “When the hell did my home become your home? Who the hell are you?”
“I’m Kartofel, the god of potato chips, but you can call me Karta or Chippy,” the dog said. “Six thousand years ago, I bought the deed to this land. Don’t try to swindle me just because I’m a dog. I’ll take you to court!”
Question marks filled Vremya’s head, and he furrowed his brow. Deed? Court? What were those things? However, there was something even more important he was unsure about. “What the hell is a potato chip?”
“You don’t know what potato chips are?” Karta blinked and gave Vremya a strange look. “Then, do you know what a potato is?”
Vremya’s eye twitched. “The fuck is a potato?”
“You can’t be serious,” Karta said with a blank expression. “Potatoes are a staple food! Every human knows what a potato is.”
Vremya scratched his head and landed in front of the dog. He took in a deep breath. “And what kind of thing is a human?”
The dog stared at the old man, doing her best not to stare at the man’s crotch, which was literally at the same height as her eyes. Karta cleared her throat. “Give me a second,” she said. A cellphone appeared in front of her face, and she raised one paw to tap on the screen. There was a ringing sound, and not even two rings later, the call connected.
“Hello, Lekars’ Hospital speaking, how may I help you?”
“I think one of your mental patients escaped—”
“You’re the mental patient!” Vremya smashed the phone. “I might not know what a mental patient is, but I can still figure out the general meaning from your tone!”
“Hey, that’s expensive!” Karta barked and rushed to her fallen phone. “It’s the newest model!” She picked it up with both her paws, and her face froze upon seeing the cracked screen. She turned her head, staring at Vremya with an aggrieved expression. What had she done to provoke this old perv? “Get out of my home, or I’m calling the cops!”
“This is my home!” Vremya’s veins bulged on his head. “I created this world before I went to sleep!”
“I already told you I can’t be swindled!” Karta said, baring her fangs. “The history of this world is written on the deed. This world was created over four hundred epochs ago by the god of time before he disappeared. So, take your lying ass, and….” Karta’s jaw muscles slackened, and her lips dropped down to cover her teeth. “Wait. Are you the god of time?”
Vremya snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s right. I’m Vremya.”
Karta’s face froze. A moment later, she bared her teeth again. “Who cares if you’re the god of time!? I own the deed. If you don’t get off my land, I’m really going to call the cops!”
Vremya narrowed his eyes. “Is that a threat? Let’s see who’s stronger: me, the god of time, or your cops.”
Karta snorted, and another cellphone appeared in front of her face. It was bulkier than the last one. She patted her paw against the screen, and an alarm rang out of the phone. Less than a second later, a red gash appeared in the space beside the two gods, and a ball of steel wobbled out. The tear in the void vanished, and two beady eyes appeared on the ball’s surface. “Someone called for me?”
Vremya stared at the steel ball. Was this the cops? Before Vremya had went to sleep, all the gods were shaped like him. After he went to sleep, some time should’ve passed—over four hundred epochs, according to the god of potato chips—but how the hell did two figures made of flesh end up with a descendant like this? It didn’t even have arms or legs! The god of potato chips’ form was barely acceptable, but this? What the hell kind of mutation happened to give birth to a metal ball?
“What are you looking at?” the metal ball asked. “Never seen someone as beautiful as me?” The ball’s eyes shifted across its body, sliding like two hockey pucks on ice. “Who called me? What’s the issue?”
“I called you,” Karta said. “I bought the deed to this land seven thousand years ago, but apparently, the god of time”—she gestured towards Vremya with her paw—“created this land eons ago and has been sleeping in it like a bed until now. Who owns the land?”
The metal ball glanced at Vremya. “A primordial god? Never thought I’d get to adjudicate one of their cases.” Runic lines appeared on the ball’s surface, and its eyes rolled on top of them, scrolling all the way through the text. “According to the law drafted by the council of gods at the beginning of the civilized epoch, this land belongs to the one who created it, Vremya, the god of time.”
“What!?” Karta’s eyes widened. “But the deed! I have the deed!”
“Yes,” the metal ball said. “Vremya shall keep the land, and you’ll have to seek recompense from the person whom you bought the land from. I’ll take you to him. Who was it?”
“The god of fire,” Karta mumbled, the winds clearly having left her sails. “Grr, just when my scent was finally starting to sink into everything!”
Vremya’s nose wrinkled. He hoped he was interpreting the strange creature’s words incorrectly because if he wasn’t…, he wasn’t sure he wanted his land back.
Wow! This is hilarious! When was this written?
Thanks for the chapter!
It just started yesterday.